Feb 13

More and more i can feel myself changing inside. Who am i becoming, and why is this happening? Regardless of why I realize i have control of everything. If i want things to change i need to change them. I am not going to change unless i make an effort to. Mostly what im looking at now is stop doing things for others and worrying about what they might want and think about my goals and my endgame. The only other person that should influence that is Amanda....to an extent. I am still very very different from the typical coast guard/military man. I have regained my heart, soul, and creativity after 5 long years. I have moved past the death of my mother and nearly instantainous fatherly betrayal. Now i need to shape up and fix me. Step one, organize my life. I need to start removing the things that are toxic to me and my foward progress. This will not be easy because some of these things will a...be hard to identify and b...cling on like a leach. One thing for sure is procrastanation must be destroyed. How to do that.....no clue....how do people get the motivation to do things they dont want to? Is it really just do them? They have to be done? How do i do that? Exercise on a regular basis is another for sure as well, and it ties so so much into procrastinaton/lazyness it may not even need a catagory of its own. I can see where this comes from. Underway i push my self every day very very hard. I feel my wife need/wants to see that dedication here at home as well. There is a feeling there that i cannot describe when she asks me to clean something that bubbles up from very deep within me. Something from before we were together. I need some help with some other stuff but i dont know how to find it i better start looking soon before things become unfixable.

Beginnings

Im a sucker for beginnings. Its unreal. I have so many beginnings, not only in my head but on paper its insane.  This one is important though. Probally the most important one ever, well in my world anyway. Now most of this story is tried and true, thats right. Told to me by the people that lived it. I cant say for sure that they all told me the truth though. Hell how would i know, for that matter how would anyone else know? So i guess someone could say this is the absolute truth, who would second guess them. It starts on a cold cold and snowy September morning, inside a hospital, in a room in the far back with a woman screaming at the top of her lungs. Shes pregnant, and ready at that very second to pop. She is reaching and grabbing at anything around here. Doctors are scrambling to get everything in order. In between screaching wails the phds seem to slow themselves just long enough that the same suprise and anxiety they had experenced not 5 seconds before is reignigted one more and the resume their frantic chase around the room.